You might be wondering why it’s taken so long for me to update… Long story short: my camera gave up the ghost, then my computer gave up the ghost. More accurately, my camera gave up the flash and my computer gave up the hard drive. But in doing so, my little laptop also gave me the fright of my life, as it seemed possible, for several days, that I’d lost EVERYTHING I’ve written for 15 years, all the pictures I’ve taken, and all the communication I’ve done. We’re talking thousands of files that I’ve never backed up…mostly because I’m a moron.
And speaking of morons, I’ve spent the first three months of the school year trying to convince my wonderful writing class that “moron” is actually a term of endearment in the Phoenix Glossary of Misused Words. The first few times I used the term, Mary Kim’s eyes got so big they almost looked Caucasian for a while. Josh Lee looked immediately guilty (he tends to resort to guilt as a default mode whenever I look at him askance), and Taelyr tried to figure out a way he could sue me for defamation. But “moron” is on a par, in my vocabulary, with “Tweedle-Dumber”, “Idiot Boy”, and “Ugly”, all of which I’ve used on some of my most favoritest people… Tweedle-Dumber was Chris Adams (who is one of the most fascinating individuals you’ll ever meet), “Idiot Boy” was Ian MacLurg, John Chance, and James Stanton (all of whom are in the Phoenix Hall of Shame…but in a good way), and “Ugly” was the cat I loved, loved, loved and who I still miss daily when I drive up to my house (she used to run down the street to greet me), sit on my couch (she used to knead my legs before curling up on me) and when I go to bed (she used to crawl under the covers and be a living hot water bottle). All this to say, I LOVE the morons in my life, and I love them so much that I’d like you to meet them.
Daniel: Daniel is going to become a monk. He’ll found the first order of protestant monks, will take his vows, shave his head, and spend inordinate amounts of time listening to Mongolian music while drafting obscure novels about incarceration from his tiny room on the top floor of his monastery’s tower. He’ll make big bucks, win the Nobel Prize, and support a poor missionary who teaches a writing class at some little-known school for MKs in Germany.
Josh: Josh will become a gondolier in Venice, where he will sing “O Sole Mio” in Korean to tourists who will pay twice the price for the novelty. Won’t he look cute in those little gondolier outfits?? He’ll spend his off-hours in an Italian bakery making biscotti which he will send to me in mega-packages to amend for all the talking he did in creative writing, which caused this aging teacher to gray a little prematurely.
Rebekah: Rebekah will join the contestants of Survivor: Timbuktu and beat out every brawny male competitor for the million-dollar prize with her cunning, her physical prowess, her ability to eat shredded slugs and bat vomit without gagging, and…well…her extra-curricular relationship with the show’s host, Jeff Probst. (Who, by the way, is a cutie…) She will go on to retire rich in Transylvania, directing a factory that produces coffins, artificial blood, garlic and wooden spikes–an ingenious, self-regenerating marketing ploy funded by the proceeds of her Survivor success.
Mary: Ah, Mary… She is destined to become a Hell’s Angel, tooling around the roads of South America on a Harley with a dog peeking out of her leather jacket, looking slightly confused and raising the art of gullibility to entirely new heights. She’ll have a tattoo on her left bicep that says, “Huh?” and will be known as “Hell’s Yodeler” because of her habit of launching into yodels at random moments, especially in crowded spaces. (As you can tell from this picture, she just used those scissors on Taelyr’s right eye…
)
Taelyr: He’s going to revolutionize the cartoon industry by creating the first hallographic version of Calvin and Hobbes in which the characters will have ridiculously spelled names (Kaelvoen and Huoabs) and will embark on adventures, crafted in his convoluted and creative mind, which will involve discoing pigmies, polka dot aardvarks and bubbling planets. Seriously–it’ll all make sense when he’s finished with it.
Adam: Adam will be the founding director of a non-profit organization called “Phlegmatics for the Passive Approach to World Domination”. He’ll be known for dressing like a violet pirate and staging sit-ins in strategic places like highway bathrooms and drainage ditches. He’ll win the hearts of women worldwide with his patented “I love your ankles, baby” come-on line and they will elevate him to the rank of Master of the Seduction Universe for breaking the mold of so many conformist losers before him.
Collin: He’ll throw his passions into a “Save the Emos” campaign, wearing Linnea’s jeans and greasing his hair until the Fashion Police arrests him for flagrant vestimentary sacrilege and exiles him to a small village in Tibet where he will fashion jewelry out of leg hair and goat milk. His works of art will end up in the Smithsonian under the heading, “Why Didn’t the Rapture Happen Before This Guy Grew Into an Adult?”
Meredith: She will become a sculptor specializing in figurines of pixies and platypuses (platipi?) made out of dried manure. Her art will attract the attention of the Disney Corporation, which
will use her sculptures to create the very first manure animation called, appropriately, Poopedith. She’ll get so rich that George Clooney will marry her for her money, which will cause a tragedy when I’m forced to kidnap her, lock her in my cellar, and pose as an FBI profiler in order to get close to her husband.
Steph: She’ll become a talk show host with the highest ratings on TV after she taps into the American culture’s fascination with mass-courting. She’ll travel the country looking for families that have seven sons and will host Internet speed-dating events to marry them all off at once. She’ll be arrested under suspicion of starting a matrimonial sect and will become notorious for being the only felony suspect in history to have TALKED her way out of a conviction by monologuing the judge into submission. Now that’s a profitable way to use the gift of gab, Steph!
Yup, morons. Every single one of them. And I say that affectionately. They’ve been one of the best surprises of this year for me, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
There’s one other group of students I love, love, love. They’re the wonderful, talented, profound and complex Ladies of the Prayer Chapel, the Keepers of the All-About-Me Candle. They’re fantastic and I’m so fortunate to know each one of them. I love you, ladies!
scoobadave
dont worry……………i wont become an adult,…………..and i was only emo for one day
oh….and i have no idea what half of those words ment
and good use of creative imagination…i especially like adam’s prophesy
and thanks for not showinf linneas jeans on me on your xanga………….i dont want to be the cause of any stumbling
goodnight
willriker75
That’s exactly right.
birdkins21
it’s muffin and zidane!!! (don’t you luv the profound things that i gain from your posts?!?)
birdkins21
it’s MUFFIN and ZIDANE!!! (don’t you just luv the profound insights i gain from your posts?!?!)
polly_the_devushka
Ah yes, my brother, the phlegmatic. He’s headed toward world domination the elder Graffs never dreamed of. And maybe he won’t go all liberal and stop believing in the rapture either.
armie2007roses
Zedan! Is that how you spell its name? Where’s Muffin? hm… Maybe it’s Zidane… as Jesse spelled it.
rockr_sam
wow michele, i cant remember being so entertained by a xanga entry such as this in the longest time…..thank you for that :). i was laughing out loud…about the descriptions of your creative writers…and mr bateman was looking at me weird…so yeah. it was great…
and….i love our small group 🙂
nickel_for_a_penny
Sorry about that little hang up yesterday. I ran out of minutes. hehe. But soon my prolific writer friend, soon.
laurishka
You–I like.
Mama_G_Hugs
Wow! Interesting group of “morons” you are hangin’ out with lately! Quite adorable really! I wonder what kind of “moron” they have osmosed onto you? Ha! I had fun with your class and I went outside the box and took them to the student center where they could spread out and you know, they were amazingly well behaved! The mints helped…;c) I think Mary took a much needed nap and hopefully didn’t have daymares from reading that creepy story called the Lottery! Ugh…I remember reading or seeing some rendition of it in high school myself…I am still scarred! Why must we read that kind of stuff really? Colin let me read his Christmas story and we chatted about that…interesting. That young man fascinates me! So have a delightful day with your Mom! hugs to her, your sanguine friend.
dannyboy0608
well who would have thought that my teacher would foresee my future. I think as far as the descriptions go, they are more positive than what I thought they would be. I was expecting a bum playing guitar on the streets, maybe a homeless writer, or a person making a living out of matches, selling them, using them, etc. But honestly, it was a great class. I am going to miss it next semester. It was like the lit candle in a gloomy room. The class made my day.
polly_the_devushka
Awesome! Not that I actually have any power to speak of at Zondervan…but I will be working with the main developmental author who deals with Christian fiction there. He’s a nice guy. Could I read the new one sometime in January?
developmentation
hahah… highway bathrooms and drainage ditches… hahha..
well thank you! i am honored to be not only mentioned in your writing, but complimented greatly! i truly appreciate it…
and congrats on your new novel! you are seriously typing. what’s it about? or did i miss that somewhere in the post. sorry, sometimes i read too quickly to actually understand, which presents real problems in studying…
well. i just finished my first of 3 final exams. i will probably do some video editing about the video i captured while in africa this summer. however, this time, no deadline!
i have a question for you. is it just me, or did Kenaniah sing “In every heart, there is a room. A sanctuary safe and strong..” i don’t acutllay know the title. But did I sing it in Kenaniah? or is it an older song, or what? by the way, i hope i didn’t perform any copyright laws with you, but i used “In Christ Alone” from the 2001 cd in a little movie clip that had words flashing on the screen. it’s pretty powerful for college students (at least those i know) and it was nice to show to Intervarsity. thanks alot. also, my co worship leader and i sang “Mary Did You Know” but i played guitar and it was faster and more syncopated than when we sang it… ALSO. i was thinking of the song “Immanuel, God with us” by amy grant and I really wish I had had the maturity to appreciate the songs. I so wish I could be transported, even for JUST ONE TUESDAY OR FRIDAY, to sophomore year to sing again… not freshman year because there was a lot of drama then… ahem.. anyway.
i hope BFA is ending well. have a good day, michele.