You might be wondering why it’s taken so long for me to update… Long story short: my camera gave up the ghost, then my computer gave up the ghost. More accurately, my camera gave up the flash and my computer gave up the hard drive. But in doing so, my little laptop also gave me the fright of my life, as it seemed possible, for several days, that I’d lost EVERYTHING I’ve written for 15 years, all the pictures I’ve taken, and all the communication I’ve done. We’re talking thousands of files that I’ve never backed up…mostly because I’m a moron.
And speaking of morons, I’ve spent the first three months of the school year trying to convince my wonderful writing class that “moron” is actually a term of endearment in the Phoenix Glossary of Misused Words. The first few times I used the term, Mary Kim’s eyes got so big they almost looked Caucasian for a while. Josh Lee looked immediately guilty (he tends to resort to guilt as a default mode whenever I look at him askance), and Taelyr tried to figure out a way he could sue me for defamation. But “moron” is on a par, in my vocabulary, with “Tweedle-Dumber”, “Idiot Boy”, and “Ugly”, all of which I’ve used on some of my most favoritest people… Tweedle-Dumber was Chris Adams (who is one of the most fascinating individuals you’ll ever meet), “Idiot Boy” was Ian MacLurg, John Chance, and James Stanton (all of whom are in the Phoenix Hall of Shame…but in a good way), and “Ugly” was the cat I loved, loved, loved and who I still miss daily when I drive up to my house (she used to run down the street to greet me), sit on my couch (she used to knead my legs before curling up on me) and when I go to bed (she used to crawl under the covers and be a living hot water bottle). All this to say, I LOVE the morons in my life, and I love them so much that I’d like you to meet them.
Daniel: Daniel is going to become a monk. He’ll found the first order of protestant monks, will take his vows, shave his head, and spend inordinate amounts of time listening to Mongolian music while drafting obscure novels about incarceration from his tiny room on the top floor of his monastery’s tower. He’ll make big bucks, win the Nobel Prize, and support a poor missionary who teaches a writing class at some little-known school for MKs in Germany.
Josh: Josh will become a gondolier in Venice, where he will sing “O Sole Mio” in Korean to tourists who will pay twice the price for the novelty. Won’t he look cute in those little gondolier outfits?? He’ll spend his off-hours in an Italian bakery making biscotti which he will send to me in mega-packages to amend for all the talking he did in creative writing, which caused this aging teacher to gray a little prematurely.
Rebekah: Rebekah will join the contestants of Survivor: Timbuktu and beat out every brawny male competitor for the million-dollar prize with her cunning, her physical prowess, her ability to eat shredded slugs and bat vomit without gagging, and…well…her extra-curricular relationship with the show’s host, Jeff Probst. (Who, by the way, is a cutie…) She will go on to retire rich in Transylvania, directing a factory that produces coffins, artificial blood, garlic and wooden spikes–an ingenious, self-regenerating marketing ploy funded by the proceeds of her Survivor success.
Mary: Ah, Mary… She is destined to become a Hell’s Angel, tooling around the roads of South America on a Harley with a dog peeking out of her leather jacket, looking slightly confused and raising the art of gullibility to entirely new heights. She’ll have a tattoo on her left bicep that says, “Huh?” and will be known as “Hell’s Yodeler” because of her habit of launching into yodels at random moments, especially in crowded spaces. (As you can tell from this picture, she just used those scissors on Taelyr’s right eye…)
Taelyr: He’s going to revolutionize the cartoon industry by creating the first hallographic version of Calvin and Hobbes in which the characters will have ridiculously spelled names (Kaelvoen and Huoabs) and will embark on adventures, crafted in his convoluted and creative mind, which will involve discoing pigmies, polka dot aardvarks and bubbling planets. Seriously–it’ll all make sense when he’s finished with it.
Adam: Adam will be the founding director of a non-profit organization called “Phlegmatics for the Passive Approach to World Domination”. He’ll be known for dressing like a violet pirate and staging sit-ins in strategic places like highway bathrooms and drainage ditches. He’ll win the hearts of women worldwide with his patented “I love your ankles, baby” come-on line and they will elevate him to the rank of Master of the Seduction Universe for breaking the mold of so many conformist losers before him.
Collin: He’ll throw his passions into a “Save the Emos” campaign, wearing Linnea’s jeans and greasing his hair until the Fashion Police arrests him for flagrant vestimentary sacrilege and exiles him to a small village in Tibet where he will fashion jewelry out of leg hair and goat milk. His works of art will end up in the Smithsonian under the heading, “Why Didn’t the Rapture Happen Before This Guy Grew Into an Adult?”
Meredith: She will become a sculptor specializing in figurines of pixies and platypuses (platipi?) made out of dried manure. Her art will attract the attention of the Disney Corporation, which
will use her sculptures to create the very first manure animation called, appropriately, Poopedith. She’ll get so rich that George Clooney will marry her for her money, which will cause a tragedy when I’m forced to kidnap her, lock her in my cellar, and pose as an FBI profiler in order to get close to her husband.
Steph: She’ll become a talk show host with the highest ratings on TV after she taps into the American culture’s fascination with mass-courting. She’ll travel the country looking for families that have seven sons and will host Internet speed-dating events to marry them all off at once. She’ll be arrested under suspicion of starting a matrimonial sect and will become notorious for being the only felony suspect in history to have TALKED her way out of a conviction by monologuing the judge into submission. Now that’s a profitable way to use the gift of gab, Steph!
Yup, morons. Every single one of them. And I say that affectionately. They’ve been one of the best surprises of this year for me, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
There’s one other group of students I love, love, love. They’re the wonderful, talented, profound and complex Ladies of the Prayer Chapel, the Keepers of the All-About-Me Candle. They’re fantastic and I’m so fortunate to know each one of them. I love you, ladies!