Dear readers,

You’ll find below a series of questions for you to consider as you read Pieces of Purple. They’re divided into sections for TCKs and parents of TCKs. They can also be used, with some modifications, for churches and mission organizations to consider ministry from an MK’s perspective.

Individual vs. collective processing:

Please consider discussing these topics with at least one other person, as our depth of understanding and self-compassion can be expanded by open conversations around such intimate topics.

Format:

Whether chatting as a group or processing on your own, my encouragement is that at the end of each chapter, you first take some time to consider what stood out to you, what it sparked in you, and only after that turn to the questions below—allowing ample time for journaling (if alone) or storytelling (if with others) and further reflection.

Hope:

My prayer is that TCKs engaging with these questions will begin to peel back previously unseen layers that hold fresh self-awareness and healing, and that those who are raising them (or have already) will begin to understand the core differences between beads and Play-Doh, and be able to put words to new realizations.

Hindsight:

Whether you’re TCKs or parents of TCKs, I want to affirm that it is never too late to interact about significant memories, events, misunderstandings, and conflicts. I’ve seen relationships healed and transformed even decades after children have grown into adulthood, as families have processed what they didn’t know or recognize in the past.

For TCKs/MKs:

1. What are the “treasures” you carry from your upbringing, and how have they shaped who you are today?

2. How do you reconcile both the blessings and the struggles of being a TCK/MK?

3. If you could place one object in a physical “treasure chest” to represent your TCK journey, what would it be and why?

4. In what ways has your perspective on your upbringing changed over time?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. What aspects of your child’s TCK experience do you see as the greatest treasures?

2. How do you intentionally help your child recognize and appreciate the unique gifts of their upbringing?

3. Have you acknowledged both the joys and the struggles of this lifestyle with your child? How do you create space for both?

4. How can you ensure that your child’s “treasure chest” includes a strong sense of identity and belonging?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. This chapter states that three of our primary strengths are being world-aware, adaptable, and open-minded. Order those three traits from most pronounced to least pronounced in your own life.
2. Can you relate any of your own family dynamics to the beads vs. Play Doh divide?

3. Have you ever felt pressure to conform to a certain identity? When? How? By whom? How did you navigate that?

4. What are some unique strengths you’ve developed as a result of growing up cross-culturally?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. This chapter states that three major TCK strengths are being world-aware, adaptable, and open-minded. Do you see those traits in your children? And what other TCK-related strengths have you noted?
2. Have you made it a practice to notice and point out your children’s strengths when you see them? If you haven’t, how can you begin to do so?
3. How has your previous understanding of living as an MK changed now that you’ve read about the beads vs. Play Doh dichotomy?
4. What are practical ways you can encourage your child to embrace their “purple” identity?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. What are the sights, sounds, smells, and flavors that remind you of your other worlds?
2. How do you think your understanding of values, morality, theology, and authority were impacted by growing up between worlds?
3. Looking back, what were the benefits and challenges of your “sponginess” during those formative years?
4. Can you remember any instances when authority figures around you failed to understand that what they were seeing in you was not intentional rebellion, but something your purpleness had “absorbed without evaluating”?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. There’s a chance that the sight, sounds, smells, and savors you remember from your other worlds are different from the ones your children remember. When was the last time you compared notes on those differences?
2. How do you think other cultures might have affected the values, morality, theology, and relationship to authority of your purple people?
3. Have you noticed any struggles your child has faced in adapting to a new environment? How can you support them better?
4. Looking back, can you remember occasions when you disciplined your child for something that was probably just his/her purpleness showing through?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. What has been the most difficult aspect of returning to or visiting your passport country?
2. Which of the six factors listed in this chapter did you or might you carry into your transition “home”?
3. If your transition happened a while ago, which of the six factors might you still actively be feeling today, and what can you do to mitigate their power?

4. How do you explain your global experience to people who have never lived outside one culture?

5. What are some ways you can create a sense of belonging in a place that may not always feel like home?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. Have you experienced culture shock when returning to your passport country? How do you think it compares to what your child experiences?

2. Have you spoken openly about its positive and challenging aspects?
3. What have you done or can you do to connect your children to the people, places, strengths, and cultural uniqueness of their passport country?

4. In what ways can you help your child navigate the expectations placed on them in their passport culture?

5. What are some things you can do to help your child feel more comfortable in their passport culture?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. What are some of the Shoulds (spoken or unspoken) that you have felt as an MK? How have they influenced you?

2. Of the Top Five Shoulds mentioned in this chapter, which feel most relevant to you today, and can you see the danger they pose?
3. How have those Shoulds impacted your sense of self, the way you expect others to view you, and how you envision God’s heart toward you?
4. What can you do to begin to free yourself from the burden of unrealistic expectations?

5. In what ways has missionary culture been a source of both strength and struggle for you?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. How do you think the missionary culture has impacted your child’s sense of identity?

2. How might you have imposed unrealistic Shoulds on your children, even inadvertently?

3. What can you say and demonstrate to them today to help them find freedom from the Shoulds?

4. How often have you expressed to your children the truths that have helped me, listed at the bottom of page 43? (Note: they need to be repeated clearly and often to counteract the power of unspoken Shoulds!)

5. Are there any Shoulds might you be laboring under too?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. In your own life, what are the Flipsides (contradictions) you can see? “I got to do/experience this great thing, but I also experienced this difficult thing.”
2. Did you (and your family) tend to focus on the positive side of the equation or were you more conscious of the hard?
3. If you managed to keep a balanced outlook, what attitudes, external influences, or skillsets allowed you to see both the great and the hard?

4. In what ways have the “flipsides” of being a TCK influenced your relationships, career choices, or faith journey?

5. Have you ever struggled with feeling like your experiences are difficult to relate to for others? How do you handle that?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. What are some of the “flipsides” of raising a family in ministry that you’ve noticed in your children?

2. How can you validate your child’s struggles while also helping them recognize the strengths they’ve developed?

3. Have you ever minimized or overlooked the challenges your child faces because of their upbringing? How can you address that now?

4. Is there a memory that came to mind as you were reading that it would be good to revisit with your children?

5. What are some ways you can equip your child to navigate both the benefits and difficulties of their TCK experience?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. If you have the emotional capacity for it and can share the experience with someone safe, take the time to inventory the losses (large and “small”) that have marked your life.
2. What are some of the goodbyes that seem to have anchored in a deep place inside you and might still need to be acknowledged and healed?
3. What “theology of grief and suffering” might you have developed at an early age because of the frequency of loss in your life? How do you envision God’s role in your losses?
4. Have you ever felt that your grief was minimized or misunderstood? How did that impact you?
5. Do you need help processing unresolved grief? If so, who can you reach out to in order to begin seeking assistance?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. Have you made space for your children to truly express their grief and the anger that so often accompanies it?
2. If they’ve been able to express themselves, how did that make you feel? What has been your reaction?
3. Have you as a family developed a “theology of grief and suffering” that reflects Jesus’ compassion for the hurting and normalizes expressions of sadness? And have you communicated it gently and repeatedly to your children?
4. Have your children seen you expressing your own honest grief in external ways
5. What are some ways you can create stability in the midst of transition for your family?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. Looking back, what was your family’s and community’s response to severe hardship?
2. Can you identify events and accumulated stresses that might have embedded in your body and spirit as trauma?
3. What are some ways that trauma can manifest in TCKs, even in situations that seem “normal” to others?
4. Speaking about trauma can be an important first step toward healing—who in your life can you reveal it to, and what further steps can you take to begin your healing journey?
5. List the Positive Childhood Experiences of your formative years. Contemplate the Wonderful and celebrate that you were fortunate enough to live it. This won’t eliminate the need to process trauma, but it will bring some light to the journey while you do.

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. Looking back, can you see events in your family’s life that you might have been able to navigate because of your maturity and years of faith, but that may have been internalized as trauma by your children?
2. If you have children who are exhibiting signs that all is not well, what steps do you need to take to help them get evaluated and find healing?
3. What is standing in the way of providing professional help for your children? Please thoughtfully consider ways to circumvent that.
4. What fun and memorable Positive Childhood Experiences have been a part of your children’s lives and what future PCEs can you build into their memory troves?

5. Have you ever dismissed or downplayed a difficult experience your child has shared? How can you offer better support?

6. What are some practical ways you can create a safe space for your child to talk about hard things?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. Looking back and right now, do you see any signs of mental health challenges in yourself? (Understanding that depression isn’t only sadness, anxiety isn’t only nervousness, and eating disorders aren’t only loss of weight.)
2. Have you ever felt pressure to “be okay” even when you weren’t? Where did that expectation come from?
3. Were you told in your youth that God wanted you to suffer and, if so, how does the way Jesus deeply cared for and protected those who suffered shed light on those assertions?

4. What strategies have helped you manage stress, anxiety, or other challenges?

5. If you’re in a challenging mental health space today, what might help you and what small first step can you take toward reaching for it?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. Looking back and even right now, you see any signs of mental health challenges in your children? (Understanding that depression isn’t only sadness, anxiety isn’t only nervousness, and eating disorders aren’t only loss of weight.)
2. How might you open a conversation in which you can lovingly mention your concern (if your relationship permits it) and offer to assist them in finding help?
3. What is your sending organization’s or company’s policy regarding mental health issues? Do you need to advocate for changes—if so, how and to whom?
4. How do you talk about your “theology of grief and suffering” with your children? Is it different depending on their ages and emotional development?

5. What are some resources or support systems you can provide to help your child thrive emotionally?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. If you’ve deconstructed to any degree, what are elements of your life that prompted you to do so?
2. Can you identify what the intention of your deconstruction was?
3. Is there something about Jesus as he’s defined by witnesses in the Bible that embodies something you find good and compassionate?
4. If your faith is still unsure, can you identify the source of your doubt? Is it truly related to faith and Jesus or more related to people who misrepresented him to you?
5. If Jesus had met you in person during your darkest day, based on what we see of him in the Bible, how do you think he would have approached you and what might he have said to you?

6. How do you separate the core truths of faith from cultural or institutional influences?

7. What has helped or might help you rebuild or redefine your faith in a way that feels authentic to you?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. Before reading this chapter, what were your feelings about deconstruction?
2. Now that you’ve considered the phenomenon from your children’s perspective, what are your thoughts?
3. As you think through your adult “theology of grief and suffering” and the way you might have explained it to your children, is there anything you’d like to amend or change to enhance or preserve their trust in a compassionate God who aches for the pain they endure?
4. Explore for yourself what Jesus would do if someone he loved was reconsidering their faith.

5. What are some ways you can foster an environment where your child feels safe to explore their beliefs?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. Have you been frustrated by relational styles that are different than yours? If so, why?
2. Having read this chapter, do you think there’s anything you might have done wrong (even inadvertently) in trying to begin friendships with people who aren’t multi-cultural?
3. Do you believe that it is possible to have meaningful relationships with mono-cultural people? (If you don’t think it is, please give that some thought.)
4. What would you tell your younger self, now that you know what you know about TCK friendships?

5. What are some ways you can navigate long-distance relationships with family or friends while still building into local relationships?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. Have you noticed any patterns in how your child approaches relationships that might be connected to their TCK experience?
2. How might you be able to guide them in their relationships as they grow into new contexts and communities?
3. Do you sense some of these same challenges in yourself and are there changes you might need to make?
4. Have you, by your own actions, demonstrated to your children healthy ways to enter into and commit to relationships?

5. What are some ways you can support your child in maintaining meaningful friendships across distances?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. What is your first memory of belonging and what about that context made you feel a sense of homeness?
2. How much belonging do you feel today?
3. Which of the three responses to unbelonging discussed in this chapter best reflects your instinctive approach? Can you see the benefit and/or challenge of it?
4. Of the six forms of almost-belonging mentioned, which are you most prone to?
5. Is there anything in this chapter that is prompting you to a change of mindset or an action step?

6. Have you ever struggled with loneliness? What has helped you navigate those feelings?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. How do you think you as an adult might experience unbelonging differently than your children do?
2. Do you know how your children might land on the spectrum of belonging?
3. What conversation might you need to have with them on this topic?
4. How can you help your children to find contentment in “mostly belonging,” even though our humanness makes as crave full belonging?

5. In what ways can you affirm and support the “found family” your child has formed?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. Have you had experiences in your life when you performed the role of Cluster Buster, even if you didn’t realize it at the time?
2. Which of the four suggestions for maximum influence do you have the hardest time with?
3. What can you do to build that missing piece into the skillset you bring to highly identified clusters?
4. Are there opportunities right now for you to bring diversity of thought or practice into spaces that are resistant to change? And if so, what is your first step going to be?

5. How do you navigate moments when your passport country’s values or perspectives feel foreign to you?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. Have you seen the capacity for Cluster Busting in your children?
2. Which of the four suggestions for maximum Cluster Busting efficacy do you see as the greatest challenge for them, and how can you help them to develop in this area?
3. How can you help your children to embrace and utilize this form of influence, even from a young age, to hone it “for the betterment of all”?

4. How can you affirm your child’s unique identity while also helping them feel connected to a larger community?

5. Have you ever experienced reverse culture shock when returning to your home country? How did you handle it, and how does that inform how you guide your child?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. If this is the case for you, why have you been clinging so tightly to being a TCK as your primary identity?
2. What are the benefits of staking our core identity on God’s love for us rather than our multi-cultural experiences and sensitivities?
3. What is it about your early understanding of God that might make claiming him as your identity feel precarious or dangerous?

4. Do you feel a sense of responsibility to carry on certain traditions or expectations? Why or why not?

5. How do you differentiate between what you’ve inherited and what you want to intentionally keep as part of your identity?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. There’s such a fine line between helping children understand how their TCK-ness impacts them and making that the most important aspect of their personhood. How can you help them to balance their TCK-awareness with the uniqueness and worth instilled in their personhood by God himself?
2. Are there ways in which you, as a parent of TCKs, might have lost track of your own foundational identity in Christ?
3. What practices might help you as a family to anchor more solidly to your identities as beloved Children of God?

4. How do you balance giving your child a strong foundation while allowing them the freedom to choose their own path?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. Have you ever struggled with taking ownership of your story because of outside expectations?
2. Which elements of the list of “I wills” feel most challenging to you?
3. What can you do to live more intentionally in your strengths while addressing your challenges?
4. Write a brief, compassionate, and encouraging letter to your younger self based on what you have and have not implemented from this list.

5. What does it look like to live authentically as a TCK while also integrating into new environments?

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. How can you use your family traditions and practices to weave some of these “I wills” into your children’s beliefs and behaviors?
2. How might you be hindering the “I wills,” even inadvertently, in your children’s lives?
3. Might some of these be areas in which you too need to invest some thought and intentionality in order to better embody the mindsets for your children to observe?

For TCKs/MKs:

1. What did/do you value about the way your parents lived their faith?
2. Have you ever felt pressure to live out your faith in a certain way because of your upbringing? How have you navigated that?
3. What do you wish they had done or expressed differently?
4. Is there something in the way you envisioned faith or God as a child that you’d like to revisit and explore today? (Note: it’s never too late to have a conversation with your parents about this—to ask clarifying questions and reveal your childhood assumptions to them.)

For Parents of TCKs/MKs:

1. What traits of God and benefits of faith do you want to demonstrate to your children in the way you live out your faith?
2. What small or significant changes might you need to make in your life so you have the bandwidth for a personal relationship with Jesus?
3. Can you see ways you might have miscommunicated his heart for your children along the way—and is this a conversation you’d like to have, even if it was long ago?
4. Is there anything that would prevent you from initiating this conversation?

5. What role do you see yourself playing in your child’s faith formation as they grow into adulthood?

Thank you so much, friends, for reading Pieces of Purple and taking the time to discuss your thoughts. I view the book as a love letter to the MK and TCK community, and a way to honor those who endeavor to love them well.

My prayer is that the next generation of MKs will flourish because of deeper self-understanding and more informed care.

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