Wednesday June 29, 2005

A friend (who shall remain nameless) just informed me that she has finally experienced her first kiss! That might seem like an inane thing to you, but if you knew my friend, you’d realize that this is tantamount to Elvis still being alive or a football player winning a Nobel prize. You see, my friend has been waiting for her first kiss since the day she opened her eyes and shrieked at the doctor who had so rudely interrupted her nine-month nap. She has dreamed about it, theorized about it, and talked about it until it felt like the universe itself was about the scream “Just kiss someone, already!” at her. There are hormones and then there are HORMONES. My friend lives in the latter of the two!

If my calculations are correct, her first kiss happened right around the time when there were several earthquakes off the East coast, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the two events were directly linked. So if your home suffered any damage from the seismic activity, you should feel free to send any bills to me. I’ll forward them to the source of your troubles: her boyfriend…more precisely his lips. Which brings me back to the topic at hand. After she had finised filling me in on the details of the big moment (followed by another moment, followed by another moment, followed by…you get the drift…is was a busy evening for her), she asked me if it was normal that her first kiss, though quite enjoyable, hadn’t exactly been earth-shattering.

Ah, memory lane. Please allow me to wander back a few years to my own first kiss. Over the years, I’ve romanticized the moment until it has taken on this surreal, “only-in-a-tacky-soap-opera” vibe. But if I’m to be completely honest, I’ll have to admit that the very FIRST kiss was much less than mind-shattering. Firstly, it was unexpected, so I hadn’t had the time to prepare myself for the shock of lip-on-lip action. Secondly, I was deathly worried that I would do something wrong, which froze me into an immobile pillar. Thirdly, the boy was actually kind of dating my best friend, which put a very guilty spin on the whole ordeal…but that’s another topic I’ll be happy to delve into on another occasion! For now, we’re talking about first kisses and my friend’s “is it normal?” question. Based on my own experience, I’d say it’s completely normal for a first kiss to be a resounding failure. Oh sure, there’s the “yeah me!” aspect of it: you finally get to participate in everyone else’s first kiss discussions. So from that standpoint, whether it was enjoyable or not is irrelevant. But even my newfound bragging rights, years ago, didn’t deter from the fact that my first kiss was simply not enjoyable. Number one, it was over too fast. I’d barely formulated a rational thought (which went something like “wieodlkfdjsgg!!!”) before it was done. My guilt and his awkwardness were definite factors. And then, once it was over, he wrapped me in a bear hug so powerful that my face ended up squashed against his chest, my nose between two of his ribs, cutting off my airflow and causing me to have to breathe out of the side of my mouth to avoid passing out from oxygen deprivation! I’m pretty sure I would have fallen to the ground with a smile on my face, though!

So what is the recipe for a good first kiss?

1. Low expectations: Don’t expect to be swept into a higher realm of consciousness. We can’t all be Rose, standing on the highest point of the sinking Titanic, somehow unworried about dying because someone’s lips are touching ours.

2. Love: If you’re having your first kiss just for the sake of being kissed, it will absolutely not stand a chance of being memorable. I’d like to muster up my very best Pope voice and order you to never kiss anyone until you’re sure he’s the person you want to marry and you’re the person he wants to marry. But that would be fruitless. Not to mention the fact that I have absolutely no papal aspirations other than taking his Pope-mobile for a joy-ride. Chances are, you’re going to kiss someone anyway, and long before you’ve walked down that aisle wearing a too-tight white dress and hoping you won’t throw up from nerves when you finally reach your groom. But at the very least, wait until you’re sure that there is mutual affection between you and your first-kiss partner. Otherwise, you might as well go down to your local market and practice your skills on whatever catch-of-the-day you can find there. I recommend trout.

3. Take your time: I’m afraid to say that some of the kisses I’ve observed on TV and in the food-court of various malls looked like they might require Scuba gear. Your lips are precious and your affection is prized. Don’t let anyone treat them as anything less than priceless!

After asking if her luke-warm first kiss was abnormal, my friend went on to ask about specific kissing techniques that might make the experience better next time around. I won’t submit you to my answer here, but will merely say this: kissing is not a competition sport. You don’t get extra points for the frequency or efficacity of your kissing. You do get points however, in God’s books, for not cheapening yourself or your affection. Don’t let anyone try to convince you that being “Sweet 16 (or seventeen or twenty-five or fifty-two) and never been kissed” is a personality flaw! If you wait until the right person, the right time, and the right kind of love, you will prove all those serial-kissers absolutely wrong: your first time will without a doubt be worh the wait!

Any other questions (on this topic or another)? You know where to find me….