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Excerpts from Postcards from the Water’s Edge:

The first four days after diagnosis were truly difficult.  I lived them in a surreal state of numbness, being broadsided again and again by the multi-faceted repercussions of this disease.  I nourished my lack of information with online research and breast cancer chat rooms and a nearly constant calling on God for sustenance.  I was bathed in the words and tears and support of friends and family around the globe.  They were a shield against the winds of incomprehension that tried to sway my faith. There was never despair.  There was fear and there was rebellion.  There was laughter, too, and a healthy dose of irony.  There were tears that burst from me unexpectedly, usually accompanied by a wordless plea for God’s help, whatever may come.  The image of Him grieving for me even as He “armored” me for this battle was my comfort and my strength.

[January 16] I learned at a very young age just how painful this world can be and have not allowed myself to assume that those early experiences were flukes that would not be repeated.  There is pain in the human condition.  But what I know beyond a doubt is that though this life might throw cancer–and worse–at me, because God exists (mystery, contradictions, and all) and comforts in ways I can’t begin to describe, I will make it through this crisis and the treatments ahead with the certainty that I am not alone.

[August 12]  There’s no need to remind me of the Truths I cling to when my thoughts veer into dangerous territory.  I know them–I believe them.  I throw myself on them daily when murmurs from my fragile human side slither their way into my consciousness. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if the cancer has returned.  And I really don’t want to meet someone, some day, and have to say, “Uh…before you make any declarations here, you might want to know that there’s only half of ‘me’ left.”

But–while those currents surge and swell and froth around me, another current anchors me to the most momentous of Truths: God is with me.  Therein lies the confidence and faith and joy that defies these grievous circumstances.  It is that current–that certainty–that allows me to regain my emotional footing after the necessary storms.  It is that current that keeps me praising the God who can make of something this painful something so spiritually galvanizing.  It is that current that allows me to smile genuinely, because it focuses me on the blessings I have received and will continue to receive.  It is that current that tells me that I am still precious, that I am still worthy, that I am still useful, that I am still me.  It is that current that lifts me and carries me and sustains me and empowers me and, ultimately, heals me.